Content warning: dysphoria, internalised transphobia
Recently I’ve been feeling kind of gross. I think I’ve lost some confidence in myself and my appearance. When I look in the mirror it’s harder and harder to see a woman. I’ve become critical of my hair, my face, my stomach, all things I had started to feel good about. I’ve been unusually pessimistic about voice training, despite making good progress.
I’ve been in a lot of weird moods and mental funks, not just explainable by monthly cycles. The thoughts and emotions in my head have felt like they aren’t my own.
The imposter syndrome has returned. Consciously I know I’m trans, I’ve felt gender euphoria, I’ve felt trans joy. But despite that I’ve been having doubts. I’ve started feeling uncomfortable and fake when people refer to me as “she”, or when my girlfriend calls me her “girlfriend”.
I’m planning to get the paperwork for my legal name change underway, but it feels like it’s not real. It feels like I’m just going through the motions. Or maybe I’m just doing it for activist reasons, like to exercise the systems that the government is required to provide us. But that’s not true, I know that I hate seeing my deadname on forms, I know I’m doing it for the right reasons.
Anyway, I got blood tests run last week and for some reason my estrogen levels have dropped drastically. Previously the pills had not been working well enough (my liver is too powerful) so my doc moved me on to patches, but now it seems like they do even less for me.
The self-doubt says that my body is rejecting the estrogen, that it’s not meant to be. The more rational part of me realises that lack of estrogen is the exact cause of my recent increase in dysphoria and self-doubt.
I’m just kinda anxious now, will this drop in estrogen levels have long-term consequences for my transition? My breasts have recently stopped growing. When I get my hormones back up will they start again? Or has this issue prematurely ended my second puberty?
