This post is intended for an adult audience.
Content warning: NSFW images (no visible genitals), public nudity
(Photos taken by Brad from Rubberly)
Artist’s comment
In this photoset I wanted to explore transparency & vulnerability.
The word “exposure” is versatile. Exposure to the elements, having one’s secrets exposed, dying from exposure, an over-exposed image, exposure to financial risk. It’s the general concept of lacking adequate protection.
Transparent objects can protect from the physical, the rain, the wind. But can’t protect modesty. In their emphatic subversion of
their opaque counterparts, could they instead serve to heighten the exposure to shame?
An umbrella can be held above the head to protect from the biting sting of the rain, or held low to hide behind. A transparent umbrella can only do the former. I wanted to explore what it would mean to use it for the latter anyway.
Comfort & survival losing against the instinct to hide our nudity, our shame, even when we know it’s futile.
Behind the scenes
Inception
For a long time I’ve had an idea in my head for a photoshoot I desperately wanted to do. But it came with some logistical challenges & risk. I’d had it in the back of my mind for a while, keeping an eye out for suitable locations, putting out feelers with friends. But it was very much in the “would be nice some day” box, not something I thought I’d be able to do soon.
But a few weeks ago my area experienced several days of severe weather: a cold snap, lots of rain, and high winds. As I was walking through the storm, picking up a delivery from the post office, I thought of my friend Brad (from Rubberly).
A while back he’d been telling me about his rainwear kink, and I’d been talking about how the sounds of PVC crinkling and of rain falling on a hood were very soothing to my autism. We’d agreed that on some future rainy day we’d love to go for a late night walk together in rainwear.
Not expecting much at this late notice, I shot him a text: “Perfect raincoat weather at the moment, hey?” After a little bit of discussion about the photoshoot, we decided it was probably feasible.
So I spent the next couple of hours frantically figuring out all the logistics. And so the intimidating & challenging shoot I thought would take a lot of planning ended up being actually very spontaneous, largely thanks to Brad’s enthusiasm & flexibility. I really don’t know if I would’ve ever found the confidence to do this shoot without him.
Challenges
One of the main things I was worried about when planning the shoot was how to manage the cold. For many reasons I wanted to avoid running into a stranger while I was naked in a park, which meant we had to venture some distance from the car, and the warmth & comfort it provided.
I prepared for this by bringing a hot water bottle in a thermally insulated bag, a thermos of hot chocolate, bags to keep my wet & dry clothes separated, and (of course) a towel. We also started with the photos where I’d be wearing more clothes, and ended with the ones where I was naked, so-as to keep me as dry as possible for as long as possible. I warmed my core up as much as possible before leaving the car, even using antiperspirant to make sure my sweat did not cool me down prematurely.
And I guess these measures worked, because I managed to avoid getting a chill.
The other major consideration was ensuring we didn’t encounter any non-consenting strangers. We spent almost an hour scouting out the park before we started the shoot, and the fact that we didn’t see a soul during that time gave us the confidence to proceed. Between the two of us, we kept a lookout in all directions while shooting, with pre-determined signals if we needed to get me clothed in a hurry.
But even with these precautions, the shoot was still quite nervewracking. Pricked ears aware of every noise the wildlife of the park made. Straining eyes watching for movements in the dark.
This anxiety peaked during the part where I was naked under the raincoat. Putting clothes on would first require taking the raincoat off. Worse, I am not at all accustomed to heels, and keeping my balance in them was a challenge even while I was staying still. Having to hurriedly hobble to cover & clothes was something I very much did not want.
While taking the umbrella photos, the spot I wanted to crouch happened to be in the middle of a small river of rainwater. The flowing water across my bare feet was could enough to feel sharp. I was trying my best to hold my cowering posture for photos, but my legs kept cramping. This part of the shoot was very physically taxxing.
Closing thoughts
I think the challenging nature of the shoot adds an authenticity to the photos.
I wanted to depict loneliness, isolation, the fear of being seen.
I wanted to depict lacking shelter, being soaked to the bone.
I wanted to depict the way that weather can so swiftly deny any hubristic notions that humans are above nature.
I wanted to depict vulnerability.
And during the shoot itself, we felt all of these things. We might’ve been lowering the colour temperature of our lights to make the photos look cold, but also it was actually just cold.
I love it when the process of making art involves exactly what the art is portraying. This is what I want to strive for in my porn. I’m not much of an actor, but I can instead make videos that look intense because they are intense. I want to keep a visual record of more of my “first times”, more of the scenes where my boundaries are pushed.
It’s also made me realise that I want to do more with the cold. The physical intensity provokes an emotional intensity.
I want to do a snow bondage scene some day. I want to get tied up and left on a balcony in the winter. I want someone to dump a bunch of ice on me while I’m in a vacuum bed. I want to be gradually lowered into a cold bath, pool, or ocean while restrained. I want to make a video with violent shivers and chattering teeth.
But for now, I’m stoked with the results of this shoot, and delighted that we pulled it off without any issues.
